


Lovable as you

by leQuate3522



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Crying, Developing Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluffy Ending, Friends to Lovers, Hugs, M/M, Sad with a Happy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-31
Updated: 2018-12-31
Packaged: 2019-10-01 15:32:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17246759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leQuate3522/pseuds/leQuate3522
Summary: So, here i am.In a bus.Pretending to hold your hand, because i'm scared to let go.//or where Dan is scared of Phil leaving him, so he leaves first.





	Lovable as you

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, so.   
> This is actually my first fic here.   
> It's kind of based on my current situation in life, but it has a happy ending!  
> I hope you will like it   
> //
> 
> Also english is my second language, so excuse the mistakes ^^

So, here i am.  
In a bus.  
Pretending to hold your hand, because i'm scared to let go.

 

I wasn't prepared to leave. I never was, Phil.  
But i know it's for the better. For the best. It was the best for you.   
I'm no good. Not even enough.

 

But you were too nice to leave first.   
So i made the decision for you.

 

So now i just look around the empty bus and the nervous driver, that's getting more annoyed that i don't go out of the bus.

 

_"Where would it be?"_ He asked when i first got to the bus. Tears steaming down my face hiding them with a hood.  
 _"Here."_ I told. My voice cracking in the middle of the word. I gave him a handful of bucks.  
He understood and started the vehicle.

 

I sat in the back. Looking out of the window i started to cry.   
I didn't wanna leave. I didn't wanna run away.

 

It was getting dark outside. With each rain drop on the window another tear rolled down my cheek.   
My eyes were numb. Thoughts desperate and i didn't know where to go.

 

Didn't know how to breathe anymore.

 

You taught me everything, but not always it was for your good.   
Like loving you.  
Hating you for how perfect you are and pretending to love me back.  
You didn't.  
 _'Just as friends?'_ you've asked. And i always did say yes, because i didn't want to have just few words and few emotions to ruin our relationship.

 

But lately. I think you've realised.  
That i Daniel James Howell love you, Phil Michael Lester. And you didn't like it.  
Didn't like the fact a boy as hateable loves a boy as lovable as you.

 

I know it wasn't just the fact i'm a boy. I remember times when my hopes were up. __  
'I'm bisexual' you'd say and i would hug you and hold you tight like it was somehow saying you love me back.  
But you didn't mind. You would hold me as tight back and cry over the fact someone accepted you for who you are for the first time in your life.   
You were so happy i thought i'm gonna kiss you. I didn't.

 

I was an issue. For everyone. From the day i was born.   
My parents didn't care a single fuck about me and i was just so, so lonely.  
And i wanted someone to care, i wanted someone to love me, i wanted someone to not be lonely.  
And there you were.

 

Out of nowhere and just like from my wishes. A boy who was too nice to be real.

 

And my life was happy then. I was happy then. And i was. For such a long time.

 

Then these thoughts started to pop up in my mind. That the way your hair falls into your eyes is beautiful in a way my heart can't properly function and that your eyes were more blue then the bluest sky. That your lips would taste like hot chocolate, because that's what you always like to drink. And that making love with you would make us even more close.

I didn't say any of that. I kept quiet. For so long that it strarted to eat me up inside.

I couldn't say you look hot in your school hoodie. I couldn't say the tongue thing you do when you laugh is so adorable. I couldn't say that you putting a blanket on me while i sleep in the lounge is so sweet that the cereal that we had every morning was getting bitter.

And most importantly. I couldn't say i love you.

  
Yet i said it so many times.

So so many times with the way i looked at you. So many times while you were asleep. So many times i picked up the call you were too anxious about.

And yet i don't think you've said it back. You were just friendly.

With those cuddles when i was scared of the thunder..

With those kisses on my forhead when i was sick..

With the food you ordered just in time, before i could even mention i was getting hungry..

Just friendly. I reminded myself. There's no way you love me back.

 

The rain strarted to be heavier and heavier by the time i once again realised what i'm doing.

Leaving Phil. Person who saved you. Person who loves you, even if it's platonic. Person who cared about you when no one did.

And person whom you love so much.

 

Hot tears started to get into my eyes again. Slowly making their way down to my chin.

No. It doesn't feel right.

I can't be Dan without a Phil. Phil can't be Phil without a Dan.

But i just want your life to be better. To get this mess you call your bestfriend from your life. You deserve so much more. You deserve so much better. You don't deserve a depressed friend who is clingy and who is so pessimistic about life and who always complain and who always-

 

_"Just one another station and you'll have to leave buddy."_ I heard the bus driver said.

 

And just then i realised i've done the worst mistake.

But it was too late.

 

The bus stopped at one station that was so far away from my home. I mean.. Phil's by now. And knowing i have to be on my own and without Phil got me so much anxiety that i just started to cry. I cried hot tears. I didn't even thank the driver. Slowly going down the stairs into the real word. Stumbling on my own feet almost falling down and cutting my arm. Everything hurt. Everything hurt so bad and i almost couldn't breathe, because i forgot.

But then..

Figure standing on the station, just under the light with a hood on his head.   
And just like that, everything didn't matter. Just like that, i remembered how to breathe.

 

He knows me so fucking well.

 

I ran to him. To my Phil. Nothing mattered. Nothing was important. Just him. His and my body pressing to him while he hold me so tight i started to cry even more.   
I heard him say so many things that didn't matter. The rain soaking our clothes together didn't matter. My aching arm didn't matter. My heart beating so much didn't matter.

All mattered was him.

Just like that he pulled away. Looking deep into my eyes. My vision blurry from all those tears.

 

_"You silly old bear."_ I heard him say before all what matters is his lips on mine. 


End file.
